enough is enough

MENTAL BREAKDOWN SOON

Coming year 3 is so damn stressful. I'm still on my holidays right now but i'm already rushing my final year project stuff. A lot of people might think design or photography stuff is damn easy and impossible to fail, you guys are damn wrong. It might be much more fun than those business or science or whatever course, but it requires PLANNING, LOTS OF PLANNING. And being a media student is super stressful as well.

Personally, i hate hate hate working in groups. I don't mean that i'm super good or better being alone, but i hate to express my ideas and opinions in group cus maybe 70% of the time no one will understand me? 

Firstly, when i think of an idea, i don't just think of the end product, like for example, i want to do a film about a homeless man, i don't just think, ok so this homeless man will be found on the streets by a kind man and he brought him home and take care of him blablabla. I think about the details, like every single fucking detail. The script, the camera shots, how it is supposed to be shot like, where to find the casts, how will the casts convey it, and many other shit. And sometimes, when you have everything in mind, you just cant summarise shit and tell people.
Then you will end up sounding stupid and stutter your way through, and yup, people will look at you weirdly and shit and think you are a fucking bimbo that doesn't know what you are saying. 

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Sometimes i just feel like the whole world is taking advantage of me not speaking up for myself. I talk softly, i'm quiet and i can just don't talk if i don't find the need to. I feel that i'm seriously damn patient with my friends and i don't flare up easily unless someone really cross my line. 

I make sacrifices for people and no one, no fucking one gives a shit about me and makes effort to try, end up i need to double my effort for them. 

People start to make excuses trying to blame the whole world so that they don't have to feel guilty and shit and here i am listening to everything and say ' okay, it's okay, it's alright '.

I really wonder, who gives a shit or think about me?

Who will make sacrifices for me? 

I have a life too. Why must i always compromise to people every single fucking time and i have to cancel my shit for people?

And when i speak up for myself, people think i'm just trying to rant nonsense, because i am a girl and girls are dramatic, because whatever i say is just bullshit and something for people to laugh about and for someone to talk behind my back and say " here she goes again ". 

Please, i beg and i pray that someone listens to me and don't take me as a fucking joke. I have my limits and i do break down too. And when i breakdown, who will say sorry to me? who will come and help me up? who support me? DON'T just say that you will, cus 7362637 men tell me that they will, but they fucking won't. 

Im tired of putting up a strong front.
Im sick of trying to keep things going, somehow.
I clearly know that this is not who i really am.
Am i happy? I often ask myself
Maybe occasionally i lied to myself, reminding that good times will come, i an happy the way it is.
With such lifestyle that is totally different from before, i know it is worth it and i would do it the same.
But is it enough, will i ever be good enough?
Why does it seems like i'm always at fault, why does it seems like theres nothing about me that is worthwhile?
People often take me for granted just because when im unhappy i wouldnt say anything, cus i know that i'm more than that, i know that after while i will be just fine. I know that maybe some words people say might just be their insensitiveness, or maybe its not what they really meant. But ofcourse, no one is perfect, and some didn't meant to hurt you.

Well, sometimes i just feel so worthless because i don't know if i'm good enough for just anyone.

Good times are short

School's starting tmr,
Reality check: totally not ready for year 2 :(

Really really enjoyed my  year 1 days, so much opportunities, though missed lots of it though
but really a turning point in my life.
I changed so much, i am so much more happier.
Hopefully year 2 will be better, really.

Just a really really short post hahaha!!

Afterall, still a girl.

Hey, another night time kindof post.

Everytime i tell my friends : i dont like hanging out with girls, they are way too dramatic and i really can't handle their shit. 

I'm always seen to be the ' dont care ' one, when things happen i either escape from it or just solve it the fastest way which is passing the victory to the other party, which only applies to close friends ofcourse. 

Today, seems like i am being the type that i hate. I really dont know whether i'm being over sensitive or it's just how it is.

i feel that people close to me is starting to drift away from me, people that are so important to me. i tried to understand, laugh it off sometimes tho i was so awkward on certain situations. I tried my best to understand, i tried my best to calm myself and hope for the best. Seems like i finally broke down.

I know things won't be the same anymore, i just know it.

Stupidity or fate?

Its been so long since i've last blogged. Even though quite a number of times i'ved urged myself to start typing whatever was on my mind but i guess laziness took over me. 

Well, this time i decided to blog just cus i'm bored and just right i need to rant(?) 

Year 1 is finally over, all i could say is that it really didn't end on a good note. During exam period it was quite a devastating period for me, i would say. 

And also found out who was there for me, even though i'm annoying them with rants and everything else during that period.

Tbh, it has been close to 2 years since i've that feeling. Just when i open my heart, just when i put my guard down, people decided to attack me. 

Thats why i really hate to express my feelings to absolutely anyone. I felt so vulnerable. 

I broke down so badly, people around me know that. I literally " stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ", it was the exam period and i swear towards the end  my life had turned into a damn alchoholic life man. I admit i can't drink that much but it was towards my limits. But that seems like the only escape plan for me. 

I told people around me, i'll be better soon. Till now i'm still not better, and seems like im still the only one suffering from this. Stupidity huh? 

I'm always showing people the positive side of me after the rantings and negativity. I always bring myself to end it well, as a reminder to be better. Nope, i haven't done anything better yet. 

I felt so helpless, i really don't know what to do, literally felt so empty.

 And there you are, all better off with someone else..

Little clarity

Hello,

i myself know that no one really bothers to read this platform, only some, like my close friends.
But just wanna blog about how i feel recently.

" You seem unapproachable" " You always give out the don't talk to me vibe" " Why your face like that? so sad/angry"

my answers:

" Really? i mean if you ever talk to me i will reply for sure. " " I know, but you dont expect me to smile while walking along rightt?" " Thats my default rest face, i'm just not used to smiling while im walking alone or when i'm not talking."

Clarity:

Apparently i get all the comments about how i seem unapproachable, how i look like an anti-social freak that chooses friends A LOT.
I can't stress how much i am just like anyone else, i will reply you when you say hi, or should i say if you are a stranger and you ever say hi to me, i'll be like shock for a moment and reply hi back unless i feel that you're just making fun of me or smth.

Other than that, i just have to say that thats really just my face problem. Not that i don't like to smile, it's just i find no point in smiling while i'm walking? I mean who really smile to everyone including strangers? Some people have natural friendly face and even though they are not smiling they will still look as cute as hell. I'm just the unlucky one that has the "dao" ( unapproachable face)  look.

I might not have a lot of friends because what i've learned along the way is that, i really don't need so much friends that are fake as hell. Those that obviously hates me yet still act like they do, i really just need some true faces. No time to deal with bullshit, really.

Some of my new friends that i've made for the new sem was shocked, and i can tell you i came in the class with no friends for like, 2-3 weeks? i almost rely on my closer friends for those weeks and i feel bad because they need to make friends too. Till finally someone decided to talk to me in the class and they were really shock on how i act. I do make dirty comments time to time, i do joke around and disturb my friends, i do weird dumb actions.  Most of them were like, Wow Jolene, didnt know you are like this. Things that i appreciate, even though it's just a random statement.

Well, i guess people just love to judge. I myself judge as well, i can't blame.
I just hope some people out there will just ykno, understand people like me because i believe there are TONS of people out there has this problem ALL THE TIME.
I'm really normal guise, i am. trustme.

New Year's resolution

Hi Aliens.

Few more days and it marks the start of a new year.
2014 has been great, i learned a lot and there are regrets, but it was definitely the best year so far.

Lets Rewind back in 2014.. (with my selfies HAHA.)

Start of the year after 'o' levels result.

Start of sem 1, April

Middle of sem 1

End of Sem 1

Vacation- September

Start of sem 2, November

So i guess my hair grew quite a long way.. along with fats.

Back to today's topic.

Of course every year we set ourselves a brand new New year's resolution.
Some might just go with the flow, no goals no nothin.
For me, i set small goals, nothing too big, just something practical.

I remember last year's mine was to lose some weight, study hard if i can get into Polytechnic.
Did i managed to achieve it? NOT REALLY lul.
I gained some weight and i did not study at all even though i managed to get into poly. HAHA.

I mean, although some resolutions can't be achieved even till the end of the year, it doesn't harm to set one right?

SOOOO 2015, I HOPE TO ACHIEVE..

1) To achieve 42kg.
2) GPA 3.0 above
3) More work, less bullshit
4) Less procrastination.
5) Grab hold to opportunities, love someone.

Yup, hopefully at the end of 2015 i will still be blogging and read back.
Also, hopefully looking back not laughing at myself that i haven't achieve any again. HAHA.

Aight, Bye!
Last post of 2014~