enough is enough

MENTAL BREAKDOWN SOON

Coming year 3 is so damn stressful. I'm still on my holidays right now but i'm already rushing my final year project stuff. A lot of people might think design or photography stuff is damn easy and impossible to fail, you guys are damn wrong. It might be much more fun than those business or science or whatever course, but it requires PLANNING, LOTS OF PLANNING. And being a media student is super stressful as well.

Personally, i hate hate hate working in groups. I don't mean that i'm super good or better being alone, but i hate to express my ideas and opinions in group cus maybe 70% of the time no one will understand me? 

Firstly, when i think of an idea, i don't just think of the end product, like for example, i want to do a film about a homeless man, i don't just think, ok so this homeless man will be found on the streets by a kind man and he brought him home and take care of him blablabla. I think about the details, like every single fucking detail. The script, the camera shots, how it is supposed to be shot like, where to find the casts, how will the casts convey it, and many other shit. And sometimes, when you have everything in mind, you just cant summarise shit and tell people.
Then you will end up sounding stupid and stutter your way through, and yup, people will look at you weirdly and shit and think you are a fucking bimbo that doesn't know what you are saying. 

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Sometimes i just feel like the whole world is taking advantage of me not speaking up for myself. I talk softly, i'm quiet and i can just don't talk if i don't find the need to. I feel that i'm seriously damn patient with my friends and i don't flare up easily unless someone really cross my line. 

I make sacrifices for people and no one, no fucking one gives a shit about me and makes effort to try, end up i need to double my effort for them. 

People start to make excuses trying to blame the whole world so that they don't have to feel guilty and shit and here i am listening to everything and say ' okay, it's okay, it's alright '.

I really wonder, who gives a shit or think about me?

Who will make sacrifices for me? 

I have a life too. Why must i always compromise to people every single fucking time and i have to cancel my shit for people?

And when i speak up for myself, people think i'm just trying to rant nonsense, because i am a girl and girls are dramatic, because whatever i say is just bullshit and something for people to laugh about and for someone to talk behind my back and say " here she goes again ". 

Please, i beg and i pray that someone listens to me and don't take me as a fucking joke. I have my limits and i do break down too. And when i breakdown, who will say sorry to me? who will come and help me up? who support me? DON'T just say that you will, cus 7362637 men tell me that they will, but they fucking won't.