2017 PLZ BE GOOD?

It's sad how the same old people always come to you for advices, and you never fail to give them your very best, telling them about what you've experienced, praying for the best for them. And knowing CLEARLY, that person will never listen. Knowing clearly that they came knowing what they want, just to seek 'approval' from you. But end up listening to nags and old grandma stories. I had problems, i had seek help from my friends and i know, every single time, i knew what to do, i just wanted to seek approval from them, i just want to listen to what i want to hear, and block those that disapproved my idea. I know, i just know it.
I'm 20, turning 21 in just a few days time ( by year ) and everyone else around me is too. Looking at some of them still dropping in the plot holes they had when we were young and immature. Of course, i still make dumb and childish mistakes. But i learn to get up and learn as i make mistakes. I make sure, as least i try my very best not to go back to what made me miserable.
It sucks how those people come to you for advises before and then thinks that you're a nag now. Telling you stories casually but you end up 'nagging' at them. End up " you don't understand and won't understand" for things that you experienced. You clearly know what will happen next but shit, you don't do a thing to prevent. I'm not God, i can't plan. You're not a fucking sim, i can't just cancel your dumb actions.
One thing i never ever learn, getting my nose into people's business. At least my close friends' businesses.
Cus i HATE negativeness, i mean, who doesn't hate it? But it IRKS me to death to see my friends drown in negativeness and don't want to help themselves up. Personally, i am someone that cries like mad and gets super emotional negative when things happen, and few days later i get up right again quick. I make sure i do something about what made me negative and wouldn't dwell on it for long.
Thats why it irks me to death to see people dwelling in toxic relationships or just drowning in dumb steps you had. And the thing is you can't do shit cus that is what they want?
Ends up you became the insensible one, the one that don't understand people, and just hoping for shit to happen to them so that they will finally 'learn'.
It's going to be 2017, for goodness sake.

God's plan?

Four years ago, i met a guy, not knowing his existence before, didn't care about it too, maybe just a guy that likes to sleep during chinese lesson and gets scolded by the teacher for talking too loud. Three years ago, we became classmates. He was the class 'joker' i guess. One day, after my girl's guide speech( yes, i was in GG. Due to shit school system) ,i went back to class and it was in a exam sitting arrangement, i don't know why but the table beside him was empty and i just settled down. I remember i had my hair tied in french braids and thinking it was cute and all,  and suddenly i dropped a useless plastic which i probably didn't want it back, and this guy picked it up and returned it to me with a smile. We didn't have any conversation, maybe just passing paper aroud was the only interaction. Then, my friend's birthday, long story short, we invited him over although we are not even close at all. He didn't want to join at first, i contacted him and called him, after a night's of persuasion, he finally decided to join. ( Don't even ask why i diedie want this guy to come )  By then, i guess my thoughts on this guy was he is quite funny and interesting. After the birthday celebration, we continued to talk, until shit happens and my friends started saying things that hurt me, so i decided to keep the contact low profile, because i wanted to continue talking to him?! Although he was someone that didnt even tell me about his life AT ALL and when we argued he NEVER told me about how he felt. Funny enough we talked for a year plus but we didnt go out before. Maybe just a short 10min train ride together after school ( i initiated it ) Expectations became desperation. I got upset, i didn't understand even though we both had feelings for each other why didnt he meet me? Why didn't he initiate to go out with me? Benefit of doubt, maybe he was so so so busy. My birthday came, naive and dumb me blew out the candle and made a wish about him, and at 11pm he sent me a 'happy birthday!!'. I honestly didn't expect anything. A surprise, a present? No. Just an acceptable long message is sufficient. But end up it was just a happy birthday. Sad birthday huh. Then soon we graduated, he went to work, schedule was tight and we started to text lesser, but more arguments. I got tired of his excuses and he got tired of the repeated arguments. I still remember clearly what i sent him after him not replying for 3 days straight.  " since you decided not to reply me, i guess i know what you meant ". And i just disappeared, like he did.

It wasn't alright. I dated a guy then but i never liked him. I thought i did, i didnt have an intention to play him out. Maybe just a stupid rebound. Then i was attracted to a jerk, but lets not talk about it. Then i got together with a great guy for almost a year. It was real, i thought i finally found the one, i thought i finally forgot the guy from 3 years ago. But no, time to time i think of the guy from 3 years ago, i wonder if he is alright and if he still thinks of me. One day, i decided to text him, due to some project. Mind's  intention was really to help out on the project, but heart wanted to ask him a million questions. I let my heart took over. Because this 3 years he was always kept in my heart, somewhere i wanted to demolish forever, but somehow it just did not. We texted and he decided to meet me, claiming that he was at his grandparent's which was near my house. So we met downstairs and talked. It was a heart relief. We finally talked, and argued about whose fault was it. It felt like something i can't explain. We continued to talk, with no intentions at first. Then i thought, if we continued, i really don't know how i will feel. This 3 years of missing him just came hitting me all at once. I wanted to just disappear from this earth forever and be alone, i don't want to deal with anyone, love anyone or hurt anyone anymore. Then i thought to myself, 3 years of not forgeting this person? He finally 'came back' to my life? Do i want to lose it and go back to my normal life or grab the chance? I guess the 3 years really wasn't fake at all. He is really special. 3 years ago is really busy, 3 years later too, i guess he is really just working hard for future. But i hope i am not too selfish to wish for more of him. I am someone that totally cant express how i feel and what i want. Alot of the time people might think im just together with people for the sake of it, but i get attached easily, im just not touchy. I am just blessed and glad that the guy i thought i will never be with is in my life again. It definitely felt different, 3 years ago and now. And when ever i think of it, it feels so surreal, it felt like it has never happened before. But this 3 years, he changed too, someone that is willing to commit and tried his best to fulfil promises. Someone that will come straight to find you when you are upset and someone that is mindful of this insecure girl. Thank you. I am grateful for you, and will always do.

enough is enough

MENTAL BREAKDOWN SOON

Coming year 3 is so damn stressful. I'm still on my holidays right now but i'm already rushing my final year project stuff. A lot of people might think design or photography stuff is damn easy and impossible to fail, you guys are damn wrong. It might be much more fun than those business or science or whatever course, but it requires PLANNING, LOTS OF PLANNING. And being a media student is super stressful as well.

Personally, i hate hate hate working in groups. I don't mean that i'm super good or better being alone, but i hate to express my ideas and opinions in group cus maybe 70% of the time no one will understand me? 

Firstly, when i think of an idea, i don't just think of the end product, like for example, i want to do a film about a homeless man, i don't just think, ok so this homeless man will be found on the streets by a kind man and he brought him home and take care of him blablabla. I think about the details, like every single fucking detail. The script, the camera shots, how it is supposed to be shot like, where to find the casts, how will the casts convey it, and many other shit. And sometimes, when you have everything in mind, you just cant summarise shit and tell people.
Then you will end up sounding stupid and stutter your way through, and yup, people will look at you weirdly and shit and think you are a fucking bimbo that doesn't know what you are saying. 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sometimes i just feel like the whole world is taking advantage of me not speaking up for myself. I talk softly, i'm quiet and i can just don't talk if i don't find the need to. I feel that i'm seriously damn patient with my friends and i don't flare up easily unless someone really cross my line. 

I make sacrifices for people and no one, no fucking one gives a shit about me and makes effort to try, end up i need to double my effort for them. 

People start to make excuses trying to blame the whole world so that they don't have to feel guilty and shit and here i am listening to everything and say ' okay, it's okay, it's alright '.

I really wonder, who gives a shit or think about me?

Who will make sacrifices for me? 

I have a life too. Why must i always compromise to people every single fucking time and i have to cancel my shit for people?

And when i speak up for myself, people think i'm just trying to rant nonsense, because i am a girl and girls are dramatic, because whatever i say is just bullshit and something for people to laugh about and for someone to talk behind my back and say " here she goes again ". 

Please, i beg and i pray that someone listens to me and don't take me as a fucking joke. I have my limits and i do break down too. And when i breakdown, who will say sorry to me? who will come and help me up? who support me? DON'T just say that you will, cus 7362637 men tell me that they will, but they fucking won't. 

Im tired of putting up a strong front.
Im sick of trying to keep things going, somehow.
I clearly know that this is not who i really am.
Am i happy? I often ask myself
Maybe occasionally i lied to myself, reminding that good times will come, i an happy the way it is.
With such lifestyle that is totally different from before, i know it is worth it and i would do it the same.
But is it enough, will i ever be good enough?
Why does it seems like i'm always at fault, why does it seems like theres nothing about me that is worthwhile?
People often take me for granted just because when im unhappy i wouldnt say anything, cus i know that i'm more than that, i know that after while i will be just fine. I know that maybe some words people say might just be their insensitiveness, or maybe its not what they really meant. But ofcourse, no one is perfect, and some didn't meant to hurt you.

Well, sometimes i just feel so worthless because i don't know if i'm good enough for just anyone.

Good times are short

School's starting tmr,
Reality check: totally not ready for year 2 :(

Really really enjoyed my  year 1 days, so much opportunities, though missed lots of it though
but really a turning point in my life.
I changed so much, i am so much more happier.
Hopefully year 2 will be better, really.

Just a really really short post hahaha!!

Afterall, still a girl.

Hey, another night time kindof post.

Everytime i tell my friends : i dont like hanging out with girls, they are way too dramatic and i really can't handle their shit. 

I'm always seen to be the ' dont care ' one, when things happen i either escape from it or just solve it the fastest way which is passing the victory to the other party, which only applies to close friends ofcourse. 

Today, seems like i am being the type that i hate. I really dont know whether i'm being over sensitive or it's just how it is.

i feel that people close to me is starting to drift away from me, people that are so important to me. i tried to understand, laugh it off sometimes tho i was so awkward on certain situations. I tried my best to understand, i tried my best to calm myself and hope for the best. Seems like i finally broke down.

I know things won't be the same anymore, i just know it.

Stupidity or fate?

Its been so long since i've last blogged. Even though quite a number of times i'ved urged myself to start typing whatever was on my mind but i guess laziness took over me. 

Well, this time i decided to blog just cus i'm bored and just right i need to rant(?) 

Year 1 is finally over, all i could say is that it really didn't end on a good note. During exam period it was quite a devastating period for me, i would say. 

And also found out who was there for me, even though i'm annoying them with rants and everything else during that period.

Tbh, it has been close to 2 years since i've that feeling. Just when i open my heart, just when i put my guard down, people decided to attack me. 

Thats why i really hate to express my feelings to absolutely anyone. I felt so vulnerable. 

I broke down so badly, people around me know that. I literally " stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ", it was the exam period and i swear towards the end  my life had turned into a damn alchoholic life man. I admit i can't drink that much but it was towards my limits. But that seems like the only escape plan for me. 

I told people around me, i'll be better soon. Till now i'm still not better, and seems like im still the only one suffering from this. Stupidity huh? 

I'm always showing people the positive side of me after the rantings and negativity. I always bring myself to end it well, as a reminder to be better. Nope, i haven't done anything better yet. 

I felt so helpless, i really don't know what to do, literally felt so empty.

 And there you are, all better off with someone else..

Little clarity

Hello,

i myself know that no one really bothers to read this platform, only some, like my close friends.
But just wanna blog about how i feel recently.

" You seem unapproachable" " You always give out the don't talk to me vibe" " Why your face like that? so sad/angry"

my answers:

" Really? i mean if you ever talk to me i will reply for sure. " " I know, but you dont expect me to smile while walking along rightt?" " Thats my default rest face, i'm just not used to smiling while im walking alone or when i'm not talking."

Clarity:

Apparently i get all the comments about how i seem unapproachable, how i look like an anti-social freak that chooses friends A LOT.
I can't stress how much i am just like anyone else, i will reply you when you say hi, or should i say if you are a stranger and you ever say hi to me, i'll be like shock for a moment and reply hi back unless i feel that you're just making fun of me or smth.

Other than that, i just have to say that thats really just my face problem. Not that i don't like to smile, it's just i find no point in smiling while i'm walking? I mean who really smile to everyone including strangers? Some people have natural friendly face and even though they are not smiling they will still look as cute as hell. I'm just the unlucky one that has the "dao" ( unapproachable face)  look.

I might not have a lot of friends because what i've learned along the way is that, i really don't need so much friends that are fake as hell. Those that obviously hates me yet still act like they do, i really just need some true faces. No time to deal with bullshit, really.

Some of my new friends that i've made for the new sem was shocked, and i can tell you i came in the class with no friends for like, 2-3 weeks? i almost rely on my closer friends for those weeks and i feel bad because they need to make friends too. Till finally someone decided to talk to me in the class and they were really shock on how i act. I do make dirty comments time to time, i do joke around and disturb my friends, i do weird dumb actions.  Most of them were like, Wow Jolene, didnt know you are like this. Things that i appreciate, even though it's just a random statement.

Well, i guess people just love to judge. I myself judge as well, i can't blame.
I just hope some people out there will just ykno, understand people like me because i believe there are TONS of people out there has this problem ALL THE TIME.
I'm really normal guise, i am. trustme.

New Year's resolution

Hi Aliens.

Few more days and it marks the start of a new year.
2014 has been great, i learned a lot and there are regrets, but it was definitely the best year so far.

Lets Rewind back in 2014.. (with my selfies HAHA.)

Start of the year after 'o' levels result.

Start of sem 1, April

Middle of sem 1

End of Sem 1

Vacation- September

Start of sem 2, November

So i guess my hair grew quite a long way.. along with fats.

Back to today's topic.

Of course every year we set ourselves a brand new New year's resolution.
Some might just go with the flow, no goals no nothin.
For me, i set small goals, nothing too big, just something practical.

I remember last year's mine was to lose some weight, study hard if i can get into Polytechnic.
Did i managed to achieve it? NOT REALLY lul.
I gained some weight and i did not study at all even though i managed to get into poly. HAHA.

I mean, although some resolutions can't be achieved even till the end of the year, it doesn't harm to set one right?

SOOOO 2015, I HOPE TO ACHIEVE..

1) To achieve 42kg.
2) GPA 3.0 above
3) More work, less bullshit
4) Less procrastination.
5) Grab hold to opportunities, love someone.

Yup, hopefully at the end of 2015 i will still be blogging and read back.
Also, hopefully looking back not laughing at myself that i haven't achieve any again. HAHA.

Aight, Bye!
Last post of 2014~

Bintan trip 21-22/11/14

HI!
ERMAGERD you don't know how long i saved this blogpost's draft for man.


I always tell myself to blog because i have free time, but no, my brain and fingers decided to be lazy
because there are TONS of pictures.

And this is my first trip with friends!! yayyyyyy.
Me, Jerick and Melvin won the clickz contest! so they sponsored us with a 2d1n hotel there for freakin 2. SO WE WERE LIKE WALIEW, CAN DON'T SO KIAM SIAP OR NOT.

But yea, we decided to ask Melissa along and we shared cost among 4!
Total for the 2way transport + accommodation (Angsana Resort- 5star resort) was $131 per person if i'm not wrong!

In total i changed around S$100 of Rupiah and bring S$200 there because the God damn agent told us that the resort accepts SGD which in the end they only accept USD or Rupiah and EVERYTHING there is so expensive.


SO i shall stfu and just ya'llkno,

So we took the ferry to Bintan and it was super shaky when we got on board, me with my generic aunty-kiasu blood, brought dem' pills so that we wont puke our lungs out on board. 

So here we are! We touched down at Bintan island! Must be kiasu and take picture with everything and anything- including that random giant rock.

super blurry pic In the bus to our resort! 15 min ride there, i'm not pointing middle finger in the pic, my finger just camouflaged into the chair.

So we've reached the resort! It was quite atas and the staff there was super friendly and nice! They served us with a ginger+lemon tea i think?! 

And ya we asked for wifi desperately. 

Anyway, i thought i should wear something bright and floral so that i will look more holidayish, i tried to find coloured clothes in my wardrobe okay, i really did. I JUST... CAN'T. 

This photo was taken while we were waiting for our room to be ready!

Did i say that the staff were super nice? One of the staff that serve us went out just to find us and tell us that our room are ready to be checked in!

HOW NICE?!

The wonderful view from my room!

Noob lift shot cus kiasu need to take pic everywhere.

In the hotel, we decided to take "step shots" cus the bed is white LOL.

And i saw potential in the setting so.. 

Before we run off to take individual selfie and forget that we actually came on a holiday together.

This was a candid shot, i swear. Cus they keep saying i slutty, take lie down on bed shots.

Before heading out!

While waiting for the bus to OLEOLE- which is a place where you can eat and shop for souvenirs!

I LOOK SCARY THO, LIKE LONG LEGGED WOMAN THAT DK HOW TO WEAR SLIPPERS 

Didnt know Melissa hate me uh want siam me. see i awkwardly standing at the side holding my peace sign up.

Don't know where is pic is supposed to be at. so .

Kudos to that AMAZING camera skills of that random man. That tilted angle, i can't even.

So we had our first meal here!

Air conditioned "restaurant" with only us. 

Curry fish head, not baaaad, not bad at all.

what is this. i forgot.

Our rice in basket, Jerick says that we must take picture of the rice because it is overseas rice, different from Singapore.

My favvvvvvvvvv KANGKONG.

Ofcourse must order claypot tofu!

Gong gong eat till gong gong.

So total we spent around S$16 per person if i'm not wrong? Super worth it lah!

So we went around oleole ( didn't really take much photo)

And talk with some private cab company guy which gave us a deal to bring us around the next day to shopping malls and massage for 6 hours,- S$90 in total.

Quite a good deal cus we can divide cost!

so we went back to the resort after walking around.

Was quite boring there and got scared by super hobo cats.. I SWEAR Singapore stray cats are damn fortunate la, all so fatty and well fed, like they go any hawker centre also got some random aunty uncle feed them food or got some annoying kid go throw their chicken wing on the floor then the cats go it. For my mum she will throw fish bones for the cats LOL.

Went back to the room to rest for awhile 

We headed to explore the amazing recreation room and no one was there!! Until we started playing and people started coming in.

I THINK THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRIP MAN LOL.

There's pool table, table tennis, boardgames - Monopoly, chess, yadayadaaaaaaa.

It was super fun and i came to realise that i can't play "intense" sports, which to me moving around like table tennis, i will suck at it. Pool and bowling i'm fine.

In case you got shocked by the pics above, this was one of the activity we decided to do. 

Do each other's make up, and incase you thought Melissa do for me and i do for her, NO! LOL WHY WOULD WE MAKE EACH OTHER LOOK LIKE WHORES. 

So apparently we randomly draw out names from a paper which includes our name, so whoever draws out who ever's name will do the make up on the person. So Jerick and Melissa chose eachother's name and Me and Melvin picked each other's. 

LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME. AND WHAT HAPPEN TO MELISSA'S BROWS. HAHA

We played and went to sleep at around 3am?

Woke up early for breakfast!

I can't stress how much i adore buffet breakfast! Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day and it was AWWWEEESSOOMMEEE. 

Head to the beach to take some photo with polaroid!

And went for a quick swim after that.

I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO SWIM AFTER MUCH STRUGGLES OF LEARNING HOW TO SWIM. PRAISE THE LORD!

Went back to bath and all, and rushed down to check out before we head out to town!

In da cab on dat long journey

I was sitting in the middle so i let my 2 photographers next to me to take photo of the sceneries!

First destination! FULL BODY MASSAGE! 25sgd per person for full body massage, girls including your booties and boobies.

I was super shy and insecure that the person judge me la, but okay la, my first experience.. not bad.

After a 1 hour ride we reached our 2nd destination to.. NOWHERE!!

Okay, it's actually a shopping mall but we went late ( cab driver never tell us earlier!) apparently at 3+ lah i don't know why they close the shop so early.

Then we walk around, it was super messy and almost wrecked places around with many cab drivers stopping and shouting. It was just.... a bad experience. BUUTT there was a shoe shop that is like a warehouse factory that sells shoes like Vans, Nike, Puma so on. I saw shoes that caught my eye but there isn't my size :( 

Fucking Melvin was lucky and got a red air max for only S$67 i think . i want to slap him.  

Anyway thats my plate of pathetic chicken rice while i was angst cus it was the only place to dine it and food was.. meh.

Finally we went to a shopping centre that has something, i bought 2 pairs of shades, some tidbits and this handmade carved bracelet! Not my kind of thing but actually not bad.

that talented dude that carved a name within a minute?!

Then we head over to their supermarket and have our last minute food shopping. Melissa bought Pad LOL. 

And i just buy lotsa food cus i wan to spend all my rupiah.

After a long day we finally head back to the check point at around 7pm.

Got on the ferry and was super tempted to buy everything at the over priced snack bar.

TV was on Finding Nemo!

Yup and thats the end of the trip!

Overall it was a really really great experience although i should have been more rich before i go there cus everything at the resort is so expensive.

Especially good if you're with the right company! with one of the best people in my life!

Checkbox ticked! 

Excited for more experience with y'all!!