2017 PLZ BE GOOD?

It's sad how the same old people always come to you for advices, and you never fail to give them your very best, telling them about what you've experienced, praying for the best for them. And knowing CLEARLY, that person will never listen. Knowing clearly that they came knowing what they want, just to seek 'approval' from you. But end up listening to nags and old grandma stories. I had problems, i had seek help from my friends and i know, every single time, i knew what to do, i just wanted to seek approval from them, i just want to listen to what i want to hear, and block those that disapproved my idea. I know, i just know it.
I'm 20, turning 21 in just a few days time ( by year ) and everyone else around me is too. Looking at some of them still dropping in the plot holes they had when we were young and immature. Of course, i still make dumb and childish mistakes. But i learn to get up and learn as i make mistakes. I make sure, as least i try my very best not to go back to what made me miserable.
It sucks how those people come to you for advises before and then thinks that you're a nag now. Telling you stories casually but you end up 'nagging' at them. End up " you don't understand and won't understand" for things that you experienced. You clearly know what will happen next but shit, you don't do a thing to prevent. I'm not God, i can't plan. You're not a fucking sim, i can't just cancel your dumb actions.
One thing i never ever learn, getting my nose into people's business. At least my close friends' businesses.
Cus i HATE negativeness, i mean, who doesn't hate it? But it IRKS me to death to see my friends drown in negativeness and don't want to help themselves up. Personally, i am someone that cries like mad and gets super emotional negative when things happen, and few days later i get up right again quick. I make sure i do something about what made me negative and wouldn't dwell on it for long.
Thats why it irks me to death to see people dwelling in toxic relationships or just drowning in dumb steps you had. And the thing is you can't do shit cus that is what they want?
Ends up you became the insensible one, the one that don't understand people, and just hoping for shit to happen to them so that they will finally 'learn'.
It's going to be 2017, for goodness sake.

God's plan?

Four years ago, i met a guy, not knowing his existence before, didn't care about it too, maybe just a guy that likes to sleep during chinese lesson and gets scolded by the teacher for talking too loud. Three years ago, we became classmates. He was the class 'joker' i guess. One day, after my girl's guide speech( yes, i was in GG. Due to shit school system) ,i went back to class and it was in a exam sitting arrangement, i don't know why but the table beside him was empty and i just settled down. I remember i had my hair tied in french braids and thinking it was cute and all,  and suddenly i dropped a useless plastic which i probably didn't want it back, and this guy picked it up and returned it to me with a smile. We didn't have any conversation, maybe just passing paper aroud was the only interaction. Then, my friend's birthday, long story short, we invited him over although we are not even close at all. He didn't want to join at first, i contacted him and called him, after a night's of persuasion, he finally decided to join. ( Don't even ask why i diedie want this guy to come )  By then, i guess my thoughts on this guy was he is quite funny and interesting. After the birthday celebration, we continued to talk, until shit happens and my friends started saying things that hurt me, so i decided to keep the contact low profile, because i wanted to continue talking to him?! Although he was someone that didnt even tell me about his life AT ALL and when we argued he NEVER told me about how he felt. Funny enough we talked for a year plus but we didnt go out before. Maybe just a short 10min train ride together after school ( i initiated it ) Expectations became desperation. I got upset, i didn't understand even though we both had feelings for each other why didnt he meet me? Why didn't he initiate to go out with me? Benefit of doubt, maybe he was so so so busy. My birthday came, naive and dumb me blew out the candle and made a wish about him, and at 11pm he sent me a 'happy birthday!!'. I honestly didn't expect anything. A surprise, a present? No. Just an acceptable long message is sufficient. But end up it was just a happy birthday. Sad birthday huh. Then soon we graduated, he went to work, schedule was tight and we started to text lesser, but more arguments. I got tired of his excuses and he got tired of the repeated arguments. I still remember clearly what i sent him after him not replying for 3 days straight.  " since you decided not to reply me, i guess i know what you meant ". And i just disappeared, like he did.

It wasn't alright. I dated a guy then but i never liked him. I thought i did, i didnt have an intention to play him out. Maybe just a stupid rebound. Then i was attracted to a jerk, but lets not talk about it. Then i got together with a great guy for almost a year. It was real, i thought i finally found the one, i thought i finally forgot the guy from 3 years ago. But no, time to time i think of the guy from 3 years ago, i wonder if he is alright and if he still thinks of me. One day, i decided to text him, due to some project. Mind's  intention was really to help out on the project, but heart wanted to ask him a million questions. I let my heart took over. Because this 3 years he was always kept in my heart, somewhere i wanted to demolish forever, but somehow it just did not. We texted and he decided to meet me, claiming that he was at his grandparent's which was near my house. So we met downstairs and talked. It was a heart relief. We finally talked, and argued about whose fault was it. It felt like something i can't explain. We continued to talk, with no intentions at first. Then i thought, if we continued, i really don't know how i will feel. This 3 years of missing him just came hitting me all at once. I wanted to just disappear from this earth forever and be alone, i don't want to deal with anyone, love anyone or hurt anyone anymore. Then i thought to myself, 3 years of not forgeting this person? He finally 'came back' to my life? Do i want to lose it and go back to my normal life or grab the chance? I guess the 3 years really wasn't fake at all. He is really special. 3 years ago is really busy, 3 years later too, i guess he is really just working hard for future. But i hope i am not too selfish to wish for more of him. I am someone that totally cant express how i feel and what i want. Alot of the time people might think im just together with people for the sake of it, but i get attached easily, im just not touchy. I am just blessed and glad that the guy i thought i will never be with is in my life again. It definitely felt different, 3 years ago and now. And when ever i think of it, it feels so surreal, it felt like it has never happened before. But this 3 years, he changed too, someone that is willing to commit and tried his best to fulfil promises. Someone that will come straight to find you when you are upset and someone that is mindful of this insecure girl. Thank you. I am grateful for you, and will always do.

enough is enough

MENTAL BREAKDOWN SOON

Coming year 3 is so damn stressful. I'm still on my holidays right now but i'm already rushing my final year project stuff. A lot of people might think design or photography stuff is damn easy and impossible to fail, you guys are damn wrong. It might be much more fun than those business or science or whatever course, but it requires PLANNING, LOTS OF PLANNING. And being a media student is super stressful as well.

Personally, i hate hate hate working in groups. I don't mean that i'm super good or better being alone, but i hate to express my ideas and opinions in group cus maybe 70% of the time no one will understand me? 

Firstly, when i think of an idea, i don't just think of the end product, like for example, i want to do a film about a homeless man, i don't just think, ok so this homeless man will be found on the streets by a kind man and he brought him home and take care of him blablabla. I think about the details, like every single fucking detail. The script, the camera shots, how it is supposed to be shot like, where to find the casts, how will the casts convey it, and many other shit. And sometimes, when you have everything in mind, you just cant summarise shit and tell people.
Then you will end up sounding stupid and stutter your way through, and yup, people will look at you weirdly and shit and think you are a fucking bimbo that doesn't know what you are saying. 

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Sometimes i just feel like the whole world is taking advantage of me not speaking up for myself. I talk softly, i'm quiet and i can just don't talk if i don't find the need to. I feel that i'm seriously damn patient with my friends and i don't flare up easily unless someone really cross my line. 

I make sacrifices for people and no one, no fucking one gives a shit about me and makes effort to try, end up i need to double my effort for them. 

People start to make excuses trying to blame the whole world so that they don't have to feel guilty and shit and here i am listening to everything and say ' okay, it's okay, it's alright '.

I really wonder, who gives a shit or think about me?

Who will make sacrifices for me? 

I have a life too. Why must i always compromise to people every single fucking time and i have to cancel my shit for people?

And when i speak up for myself, people think i'm just trying to rant nonsense, because i am a girl and girls are dramatic, because whatever i say is just bullshit and something for people to laugh about and for someone to talk behind my back and say " here she goes again ". 

Please, i beg and i pray that someone listens to me and don't take me as a fucking joke. I have my limits and i do break down too. And when i breakdown, who will say sorry to me? who will come and help me up? who support me? DON'T just say that you will, cus 7362637 men tell me that they will, but they fucking won't. 

Im tired of putting up a strong front.
Im sick of trying to keep things going, somehow.
I clearly know that this is not who i really am.
Am i happy? I often ask myself
Maybe occasionally i lied to myself, reminding that good times will come, i an happy the way it is.
With such lifestyle that is totally different from before, i know it is worth it and i would do it the same.
But is it enough, will i ever be good enough?
Why does it seems like i'm always at fault, why does it seems like theres nothing about me that is worthwhile?
People often take me for granted just because when im unhappy i wouldnt say anything, cus i know that i'm more than that, i know that after while i will be just fine. I know that maybe some words people say might just be their insensitiveness, or maybe its not what they really meant. But ofcourse, no one is perfect, and some didn't meant to hurt you.

Well, sometimes i just feel so worthless because i don't know if i'm good enough for just anyone.

Good times are short

School's starting tmr,
Reality check: totally not ready for year 2 :(

Really really enjoyed my  year 1 days, so much opportunities, though missed lots of it though
but really a turning point in my life.
I changed so much, i am so much more happier.
Hopefully year 2 will be better, really.

Just a really really short post hahaha!!

Afterall, still a girl.

Hey, another night time kindof post.

Everytime i tell my friends : i dont like hanging out with girls, they are way too dramatic and i really can't handle their shit. 

I'm always seen to be the ' dont care ' one, when things happen i either escape from it or just solve it the fastest way which is passing the victory to the other party, which only applies to close friends ofcourse. 

Today, seems like i am being the type that i hate. I really dont know whether i'm being over sensitive or it's just how it is.

i feel that people close to me is starting to drift away from me, people that are so important to me. i tried to understand, laugh it off sometimes tho i was so awkward on certain situations. I tried my best to understand, i tried my best to calm myself and hope for the best. Seems like i finally broke down.

I know things won't be the same anymore, i just know it.

Stupidity or fate?

Its been so long since i've last blogged. Even though quite a number of times i'ved urged myself to start typing whatever was on my mind but i guess laziness took over me. 

Well, this time i decided to blog just cus i'm bored and just right i need to rant(?) 

Year 1 is finally over, all i could say is that it really didn't end on a good note. During exam period it was quite a devastating period for me, i would say. 

And also found out who was there for me, even though i'm annoying them with rants and everything else during that period.

Tbh, it has been close to 2 years since i've that feeling. Just when i open my heart, just when i put my guard down, people decided to attack me. 

Thats why i really hate to express my feelings to absolutely anyone. I felt so vulnerable. 

I broke down so badly, people around me know that. I literally " stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ", it was the exam period and i swear towards the end  my life had turned into a damn alchoholic life man. I admit i can't drink that much but it was towards my limits. But that seems like the only escape plan for me. 

I told people around me, i'll be better soon. Till now i'm still not better, and seems like im still the only one suffering from this. Stupidity huh? 

I'm always showing people the positive side of me after the rantings and negativity. I always bring myself to end it well, as a reminder to be better. Nope, i haven't done anything better yet. 

I felt so helpless, i really don't know what to do, literally felt so empty.

 And there you are, all better off with someone else..