Im tired of putting up a strong front.
Im sick of trying to keep things going, somehow.
I clearly know that this is not who i really am.
Am i happy? I often ask myself
Maybe occasionally i lied to myself, reminding that good times will come, i an happy the way it is.
With such lifestyle that is totally different from before, i know it is worth it and i would do it the same.
But is it enough, will i ever be good enough?
Why does it seems like i'm always at fault, why does it seems like theres nothing about me that is worthwhile?
People often take me for granted just because when im unhappy i wouldnt say anything, cus i know that i'm more than that, i know that after while i will be just fine. I know that maybe some words people say might just be their insensitiveness, or maybe its not what they really meant. But ofcourse, no one is perfect, and some didn't meant to hurt you.

Well, sometimes i just feel so worthless because i don't know if i'm good enough for just anyone.

Good times are short

School's starting tmr,
Reality check: totally not ready for year 2 :(

Really really enjoyed my  year 1 days, so much opportunities, though missed lots of it though
but really a turning point in my life.
I changed so much, i am so much more happier.
Hopefully year 2 will be better, really.

Just a really really short post hahaha!!

Afterall, still a girl.

Hey, another night time kindof post.

Everytime i tell my friends : i dont like hanging out with girls, they are way too dramatic and i really can't handle their shit. 

I'm always seen to be the ' dont care ' one, when things happen i either escape from it or just solve it the fastest way which is passing the victory to the other party, which only applies to close friends ofcourse. 

Today, seems like i am being the type that i hate. I really dont know whether i'm being over sensitive or it's just how it is.

i feel that people close to me is starting to drift away from me, people that are so important to me. i tried to understand, laugh it off sometimes tho i was so awkward on certain situations. I tried my best to understand, i tried my best to calm myself and hope for the best. Seems like i finally broke down.

I know things won't be the same anymore, i just know it.

Stupidity or fate?

Its been so long since i've last blogged. Even though quite a number of times i'ved urged myself to start typing whatever was on my mind but i guess laziness took over me. 

Well, this time i decided to blog just cus i'm bored and just right i need to rant(?) 

Year 1 is finally over, all i could say is that it really didn't end on a good note. During exam period it was quite a devastating period for me, i would say. 

And also found out who was there for me, even though i'm annoying them with rants and everything else during that period.

Tbh, it has been close to 2 years since i've that feeling. Just when i open my heart, just when i put my guard down, people decided to attack me. 

Thats why i really hate to express my feelings to absolutely anyone. I felt so vulnerable. 

I broke down so badly, people around me know that. I literally " stay high all the time to keep you off my mind ", it was the exam period and i swear towards the end  my life had turned into a damn alchoholic life man. I admit i can't drink that much but it was towards my limits. But that seems like the only escape plan for me. 

I told people around me, i'll be better soon. Till now i'm still not better, and seems like im still the only one suffering from this. Stupidity huh? 

I'm always showing people the positive side of me after the rantings and negativity. I always bring myself to end it well, as a reminder to be better. Nope, i haven't done anything better yet. 

I felt so helpless, i really don't know what to do, literally felt so empty.

 And there you are, all better off with someone else..

Little clarity

Hello,

i myself know that no one really bothers to read this platform, only some, like my close friends.
But just wanna blog about how i feel recently.

" You seem unapproachable" " You always give out the don't talk to me vibe" " Why your face like that? so sad/angry"

my answers:

" Really? i mean if you ever talk to me i will reply for sure. " " I know, but you dont expect me to smile while walking along rightt?" " Thats my default rest face, i'm just not used to smiling while im walking alone or when i'm not talking."

Clarity:

Apparently i get all the comments about how i seem unapproachable, how i look like an anti-social freak that chooses friends A LOT.
I can't stress how much i am just like anyone else, i will reply you when you say hi, or should i say if you are a stranger and you ever say hi to me, i'll be like shock for a moment and reply hi back unless i feel that you're just making fun of me or smth.

Other than that, i just have to say that thats really just my face problem. Not that i don't like to smile, it's just i find no point in smiling while i'm walking? I mean who really smile to everyone including strangers? Some people have natural friendly face and even though they are not smiling they will still look as cute as hell. I'm just the unlucky one that has the "dao" ( unapproachable face)  look.

I might not have a lot of friends because what i've learned along the way is that, i really don't need so much friends that are fake as hell. Those that obviously hates me yet still act like they do, i really just need some true faces. No time to deal with bullshit, really.

Some of my new friends that i've made for the new sem was shocked, and i can tell you i came in the class with no friends for like, 2-3 weeks? i almost rely on my closer friends for those weeks and i feel bad because they need to make friends too. Till finally someone decided to talk to me in the class and they were really shock on how i act. I do make dirty comments time to time, i do joke around and disturb my friends, i do weird dumb actions.  Most of them were like, Wow Jolene, didnt know you are like this. Things that i appreciate, even though it's just a random statement.

Well, i guess people just love to judge. I myself judge as well, i can't blame.
I just hope some people out there will just ykno, understand people like me because i believe there are TONS of people out there has this problem ALL THE TIME.
I'm really normal guise, i am. trustme.

New Year's resolution

Hi Aliens.

Few more days and it marks the start of a new year.
2014 has been great, i learned a lot and there are regrets, but it was definitely the best year so far.

Lets Rewind back in 2014.. (with my selfies HAHA.)

Start of the year after 'o' levels result.

Start of sem 1, April

Middle of sem 1

End of Sem 1

Vacation- September

Start of sem 2, November

So i guess my hair grew quite a long way.. along with fats.

Back to today's topic.

Of course every year we set ourselves a brand new New year's resolution.
Some might just go with the flow, no goals no nothin.
For me, i set small goals, nothing too big, just something practical.

I remember last year's mine was to lose some weight, study hard if i can get into Polytechnic.
Did i managed to achieve it? NOT REALLY lul.
I gained some weight and i did not study at all even though i managed to get into poly. HAHA.

I mean, although some resolutions can't be achieved even till the end of the year, it doesn't harm to set one right?

SOOOO 2015, I HOPE TO ACHIEVE..

1) To achieve 42kg.
2) GPA 3.0 above
3) More work, less bullshit
4) Less procrastination.
5) Grab hold to opportunities, love someone.

Yup, hopefully at the end of 2015 i will still be blogging and read back.
Also, hopefully looking back not laughing at myself that i haven't achieve any again. HAHA.

Aight, Bye!
Last post of 2014~

Bintan trip 21-22/11/14

HI!
ERMAGERD you don't know how long i saved this blogpost's draft for man.


I always tell myself to blog because i have free time, but no, my brain and fingers decided to be lazy
because there are TONS of pictures.

And this is my first trip with friends!! yayyyyyy.
Me, Jerick and Melvin won the clickz contest! so they sponsored us with a 2d1n hotel there for freakin 2. SO WE WERE LIKE WALIEW, CAN DON'T SO KIAM SIAP OR NOT.

But yea, we decided to ask Melissa along and we shared cost among 4!
Total for the 2way transport + accommodation (Angsana Resort- 5star resort) was $131 per person if i'm not wrong!

In total i changed around S$100 of Rupiah and bring S$200 there because the God damn agent told us that the resort accepts SGD which in the end they only accept USD or Rupiah and EVERYTHING there is so expensive.


SO i shall stfu and just ya'llkno,

So we took the ferry to Bintan and it was super shaky when we got on board, me with my generic aunty-kiasu blood, brought dem' pills so that we wont puke our lungs out on board. 

So here we are! We touched down at Bintan island! Must be kiasu and take picture with everything and anything- including that random giant rock.

super blurry pic In the bus to our resort! 15 min ride there, i'm not pointing middle finger in the pic, my finger just camouflaged into the chair.

So we've reached the resort! It was quite atas and the staff there was super friendly and nice! They served us with a ginger+lemon tea i think?! 

And ya we asked for wifi desperately. 

Anyway, i thought i should wear something bright and floral so that i will look more holidayish, i tried to find coloured clothes in my wardrobe okay, i really did. I JUST... CAN'T. 

This photo was taken while we were waiting for our room to be ready!

Did i say that the staff were super nice? One of the staff that serve us went out just to find us and tell us that our room are ready to be checked in!

HOW NICE?!

The wonderful view from my room!

Noob lift shot cus kiasu need to take pic everywhere.

In the hotel, we decided to take "step shots" cus the bed is white LOL.

And i saw potential in the setting so.. 

Before we run off to take individual selfie and forget that we actually came on a holiday together.

This was a candid shot, i swear. Cus they keep saying i slutty, take lie down on bed shots.

Before heading out!

While waiting for the bus to OLEOLE- which is a place where you can eat and shop for souvenirs!

I LOOK SCARY THO, LIKE LONG LEGGED WOMAN THAT DK HOW TO WEAR SLIPPERS 

Didnt know Melissa hate me uh want siam me. see i awkwardly standing at the side holding my peace sign up.

Don't know where is pic is supposed to be at. so .

Kudos to that AMAZING camera skills of that random man. That tilted angle, i can't even.

So we had our first meal here!

Air conditioned "restaurant" with only us. 

Curry fish head, not baaaad, not bad at all.

what is this. i forgot.

Our rice in basket, Jerick says that we must take picture of the rice because it is overseas rice, different from Singapore.

My favvvvvvvvvv KANGKONG.

Ofcourse must order claypot tofu!

Gong gong eat till gong gong.

So total we spent around S$16 per person if i'm not wrong? Super worth it lah!

So we went around oleole ( didn't really take much photo)

And talk with some private cab company guy which gave us a deal to bring us around the next day to shopping malls and massage for 6 hours,- S$90 in total.

Quite a good deal cus we can divide cost!

so we went back to the resort after walking around.

Was quite boring there and got scared by super hobo cats.. I SWEAR Singapore stray cats are damn fortunate la, all so fatty and well fed, like they go any hawker centre also got some random aunty uncle feed them food or got some annoying kid go throw their chicken wing on the floor then the cats go it. For my mum she will throw fish bones for the cats LOL.

Went back to the room to rest for awhile 

We headed to explore the amazing recreation room and no one was there!! Until we started playing and people started coming in.

I THINK THAT WAS THE HIGHLIGHT OF THE TRIP MAN LOL.

There's pool table, table tennis, boardgames - Monopoly, chess, yadayadaaaaaaa.

It was super fun and i came to realise that i can't play "intense" sports, which to me moving around like table tennis, i will suck at it. Pool and bowling i'm fine.

In case you got shocked by the pics above, this was one of the activity we decided to do. 

Do each other's make up, and incase you thought Melissa do for me and i do for her, NO! LOL WHY WOULD WE MAKE EACH OTHER LOOK LIKE WHORES. 

So apparently we randomly draw out names from a paper which includes our name, so whoever draws out who ever's name will do the make up on the person. So Jerick and Melissa chose eachother's name and Me and Melvin picked each other's. 

LOOK WHAT HE DID TO ME. AND WHAT HAPPEN TO MELISSA'S BROWS. HAHA

We played and went to sleep at around 3am?

Woke up early for breakfast!

I can't stress how much i adore buffet breakfast! Breakfast is my favorite meal of the day and it was AWWWEEESSOOMMEEE. 

Head to the beach to take some photo with polaroid!

And went for a quick swim after that.

I FINALLY LEARNED HOW TO SWIM AFTER MUCH STRUGGLES OF LEARNING HOW TO SWIM. PRAISE THE LORD!

Went back to bath and all, and rushed down to check out before we head out to town!

In da cab on dat long journey

I was sitting in the middle so i let my 2 photographers next to me to take photo of the sceneries!

First destination! FULL BODY MASSAGE! 25sgd per person for full body massage, girls including your booties and boobies.

I was super shy and insecure that the person judge me la, but okay la, my first experience.. not bad.

After a 1 hour ride we reached our 2nd destination to.. NOWHERE!!

Okay, it's actually a shopping mall but we went late ( cab driver never tell us earlier!) apparently at 3+ lah i don't know why they close the shop so early.

Then we walk around, it was super messy and almost wrecked places around with many cab drivers stopping and shouting. It was just.... a bad experience. BUUTT there was a shoe shop that is like a warehouse factory that sells shoes like Vans, Nike, Puma so on. I saw shoes that caught my eye but there isn't my size :( 

Fucking Melvin was lucky and got a red air max for only S$67 i think . i want to slap him.  

Anyway thats my plate of pathetic chicken rice while i was angst cus it was the only place to dine it and food was.. meh.

Finally we went to a shopping centre that has something, i bought 2 pairs of shades, some tidbits and this handmade carved bracelet! Not my kind of thing but actually not bad.

that talented dude that carved a name within a minute?!

Then we head over to their supermarket and have our last minute food shopping. Melissa bought Pad LOL. 

And i just buy lotsa food cus i wan to spend all my rupiah.

After a long day we finally head back to the check point at around 7pm.

Got on the ferry and was super tempted to buy everything at the over priced snack bar.

TV was on Finding Nemo!

Yup and thats the end of the trip!

Overall it was a really really great experience although i should have been more rich before i go there cus everything at the resort is so expensive.

Especially good if you're with the right company! with one of the best people in my life!

Checkbox ticked! 

Excited for more experience with y'all!!