mind over matter

I just hope just a small little part of you keep you going. Despite matter and matters that crumbled you, push you down to the lowest point. Just a right mind of you keeps you going. Just a right mind of you will bring you to realisation that all these sadness you had wasn't worth a tear. I am not influential, not at all. Things i said was always deemed bullshit. Whenever people tell me their problems and all i can always write a essay long of "preaching" to them. Till now none of my words had got into anyone. Absolutely no one. I hope just a word of mine can get into you, just a word of mine can change that state of mind you're in right now. I really don't know what to do cus im gone with the problems i used to had, that i can totally feel you and that time you couldn't understand. I used to keep everything to myself, burst it all on myself and blame it all on me. I learn to be stronger, positive and things that once pulled me down isn't a reason for me to fall again. It didn't take days, weeks not even months to learn to get to this point. It took years and years for me, Only thing that i can do is not to drown myself into thoughts that does not exist, thoughts that ran wild, and did not even happened. That was the thoughts that killed me inside. I can't bring back my old self, with feelings for things. I don't know if its good or not but that is what it is. I'm living up my life for myself, for people that cares.I hope you too. that thought of it will be gone, not now not months, it will take a few years. It's your choice if you want to drown yourself. I will always be here for you, said it so many times, really up to you to listen.

Disclosure

Feels like Secondary school all over again writing such posts, about myself.

I feel that there is this need to clear the air of mine that i had bottled up recently.

Nope, not trying to act like one innocent fake prick and gain sympathy or whatever.

Everyone HAVE their own opinion and YOU have your own choice of opinion about me and i really can't be bothered if you know nuts about me.

I mean if i can't stand up for myself irl, but YES, of course i can and i would stand up for myself normally, but nah, i really don't see a point in it to try and stand up for myself anymore. So i'm just gonna raise it in this small space. I HAVE to clarify about myself. not pinpointing to anyone or whomever. Just me. My story and my journey to who i am right now.

Primary school, i was just a nerd noob shit kid that is boring and nothing really exciting happened to my life, so skip this part. 

Secondary school, I would say i will never ever want to go back to my secondary school life ever again- point 1, TOO much problems and troubles, too much. 

Point 2, My school Sucks

Point 3, My grades sucks.

-

Point was, who i hung out with was all mainly girls and i barely hang out with guys during my upper secondary period. I'm called quiet, soft spoken and reserved. THAT was true. I hang out with the same girls and not close to any guys at all. Only 1 guy friend of mine was my closest one after secondary 4 or 5. RX if you're reading this thats you. 

So, i swear after secondary 5 to Poly i changed a lot, i became more outspoken, noisy and i will speak up my point when i really feel the need to, i used to keep it in me and just tolerate all the shit. Friends of mine, evident this. 

Poly, i forged friendships that i thought would last, hoped it would. 

I knew more guy friends despite having only 7 guys in my 22 students class. I got closer to the guys than to any girls. I said to even my closer or closest friends- I want to make friends with guys, AND NO, it is not because i want to be the limelight of all guys or whtsoever of what you're thinking. Girls are drama queens, correct me if im wrong. Even if i'm a girl, Its true, no? Compare girls with guys, not being a sexist or whatever but girls creates more drama with the tiniest problem on Earth and guys are like whtever. I dare to say this to my girl friends because its true, every girl knows that.

So i'm closer to the guys in my class. Of course i know, gossips and judgments are bound to happen. 

But what to do? They don't even know nuts about me and decided to drop judgments about me.

People see me playing and having fun with em and decided to give me that death stare and looks that they thought i didn't know. Talk behind me as if i am some oblivious eff. 

What i am trying to say is, if anyone thought or ever think that i'm close with the guys because i am some playgirl or trying to seek all the guy's attention, can you just venture to 2014 already? Doesn't mean that whenever a female is rather "close" to a guy means that there is a chance of having any sexual activities or any dating shit you are thinking. Girl(or guys), If you think i am a damn slut that goes around guys and pleasuring them or seducing them, im telling you that I AM NOT.

Pluhese, At least the guys im closer with rn don't judge me. Like you are, if you ever thought things about me. 

We share the common interest, common topic , doesn't mean different gender and im just abit closer to them means i am a slut.

According to thefreedictionary. AND that was incase you accidentally described me as a slut.

And i am kind of annoyed when people ask me " Do you always put make up to school?" " Why you put makeup sia" " Why you put such a red lipstick to school?" 

- can i just clarify,

Firstly, i have the lowest self-esteem if you want to ask.

NEVER thought that i am pretty. I do point bout girls that are pretty or not pretty, because who says a ugly girl can't point about that right? WHICH makes sense why i put makeup too?

ALSO, my dream was to be a makeup artist if i failed my o levels. I have really great interest in different makeup designs and dream was, i want to make girls feel pretty, atleast for a day. 

Does it make sense why i helped many of my friends to do makeup and im like one ugly piece of shit beside them after that?

I HAD never ever compared myself with my friends or whoever, never ever will. No matter how you feel about me of your own opinion. dont put it in my mouth. I HAD NEVER COMPARED.

TRUE enough i'm very insecure bout myself and just by putting the amount of makeup i put, just makes myself a little more confident than this: 

I Don't put makeup to school or out to attract guy's attention. I can't bring myself to have bareface out. Its just me, call me vain or fake. But i rather look "fake" than being natural and downright ugly. Unless i have freaking flawless face, big eyes and full brows, apparently i have none. Sparse brows and small single eyelid. THATS WHY I NEED MAKE UP RIGHT. I THINK IT IS QUITE OBVIOUS WHY I NEED IT NOW RIGHT. SO PLEASE I BEG THE SHIT OUT OF YOU STOP ASKING ME.

My purpose of this post may sound confrontational, pinpointing anyone. No, but if the shoe fits you then go ahead. However, thats what i feel about me and i feel that i need to say it out. Just yknow, writing up a story about me.

GN, still got school tomorrow, didn't realise it's late already.